Intellectual "thinking" incapability, dysfunctionality, doubt, and indecision

[LauraR]

Hello again

I have also experienced similar episodes of inactivity - of just not wanting to do anything - boredom. And for me I feel that the inactivity is another layer of addiction. The addiction of confusion not being met - inactivity takes over. I also feel that the confusion itself leads to inactivity. (Mary uses the word "inactivity" in her earlier reply to you.)

However, I am not always clear about what is an injury and what is an addiction. To me they feel so very intertwined. It wasn't until I watched Eloisa and Peter's feedback session that I understood the self-blame and judgement was an addiction or a capping emotion. Part of the confusion I would feel would often lead to self-blame, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. I thought they were all injuries, but they are not. They are emotions I will "allow" my self to feel - which is difficult for me to understand sometimes that I would rather kill myself than feel an emotion - but I don't go there anymore.

Similarly, the anger you speak of, is a capping emotion. It is the emotion you allow yourself to feel, because what is below is very painful. Also, since you are male, anger would have been a more acceptable emotion for you to feel even as a child. In the same paragraph where you describe your anger, you also say you are "frantic and fearful". The fear is under the anger. There are many videos that explain how to experience your anger safely, so that you do no further harm to yourself or others. Also there is a post in the forum titled "where or how to express anger and rage." It is under the Eureka! section. I have found the technique Mary suggests very helpful - putting sound and movement to your feelings.

Also, I am getting better at determining what is spirit influence. The thoughts that just get "dropped in" - they also come with extreme heaviness - like a huge weight holding me down. It is the "cloud" that always seems like it is hanging over my head. (They also feel very icky.) So now when I start feeling that heaviness and the self-blame I stop and tell myself this is the addiction and I am experiencing spirit influence. So I do my best not to go into the addiction and to feel what is underneath.

However, I have only recently understood that the desire to do nothing - or inactivity - is because I am avoiding fear. And specifically the fear of engaging my passions and self-responsibility. If I decided to do something, I would actually have to make a decision. When I challenge the inactivity - confusion comes back. Like what should I do, I don't know what my passions are, what if I try this and it doesn't work? I think it is helpful to know where the injuries/addictions came from and how, but sometimes when trying logically to figure them out we get "analysis paralysis". I have been there and it can feel like I am making progress when I have just taken another detour (another addiction - they can be very sneaky).

So the addiction must be challenged as you said "acting is pertinent". I would do as Maureen suggests and take some "small doable day to day steps." That is what I have been doing and I gotta tell you fears-o-plenty are coming up. I cannot wait until I can feel joy with my passions. But until then, I am very glad to hear Maureen's suggestion, as it lets me know I am on the right track - thank you Maureen.

Another feeling I have had recently is that too many of us on the Divine Love Path are maybe focusing too intently on finding all of our injuries and rooting them all out. Like until they are ALL gone we cannot have joy in our lives. This begins to feel a bit like paying penance and I'm not sure that is what is intended. I think, feel, believe that if we do not also spend some time feeling our desires - even if we are not sure what they are - we will not progress towards God or our soulmate. I know Jesus and Mary have said it is our desires and passions that will bring us closer to God. They are who we are. I just don't know how to balance this all out yet.

Love to you,

Laura Rule

As an aside, I too was delivered cesarean section after difficulties in delivery. I will have to check out the book Maureen suggests.

[LauraR]

I apologize - Mary used the word "indecision" in her post to you. However I feel the indecision leads to inactivity. My mistake.

[LauraR]

Hello Riza,

I feel I need to respond further and I hope I am on target with this. It feels to me that you are still in your head. Although you use the word “feel” frequently, it is probably only a surface feel – if that makes sense. And you are still intellectualizing quite a bit.

It has helped me to think of the emotional pain as more of a physical pain (although I understand emotional pain is very physical in its results). For instance you fall out of a tree and break your arm. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out how you broke your arm. Like maybe if I had held on tighter. Maybe that last branch I stepped on was too weak. The branch was slippery or my shoes didn’t keep traction. Or maybe even who the heck planted the damn tree in the first place? All the time that is taken trying to determine the reason the arm was broken, doesn’t change the fact that the arm is broken. Additionally, all the time we have taken in pondering the cause, the arm has begun to set! So now we will have additional pain because the arm will need to be re-broke in order to heal it properly. (I think that is what Maureen means when she says you may be re-traumatizing yourself). Also the intellectualization begins to de-sensitize and bury the original injury deeper.

Many years ago when trying to determine the source of my fear, I determined I was basically wasting my time doing it intellectually. The “new age” way of reasoning through the fear did not work. It was still buried beneath the exterior façade (although I did not use those words at the time). I knew the fear and pain was there, always lurking below the surface. I always felt like I was living a lie and to a certain degree I still do. Anyway, I no longer knew what to do about it. And so I did the next “new age” suggestion and just started trying to be positive. Positive affirmations like nobody’s business. I even listened to subliminals. Needless to say they did not work either.

It wasn’t until I found the Divine Love path and understood that we must use both our feelings and our logic. We cannot use them exclusively. So pondering the idea of the initial injury and/or why you have an addiction in play is helpful and needed for you to get started. However, you will still have to feel it in the end.

I found a quote recently on the forum from Mary. It is titled “3 minutes of fear”.

“It’s a choice girls – 3 minutes of fear and terror or 3 months of constant praying and longing for God to present you with another opportunity (to feel fear).”

It sums it up pretty succinctly. I do apologize if this sounds harsh because I know we have to love ourselves, but there is a fine line between giving ourselves space to feel and process and when we have fallen into addiction and lack the courage to move forward. (I am talking about myself here). I have lived in my fear for far too long and I regret deeply what I have done from that place. I am doing my best to feel and pray everyday that the emotions will release and that I can begin repentance soon.

With love,

Laura



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[Mary]

Hi Riza,

Just a reminder that your anger is an avoidance of fear.

I agree that your current state of wanting to avoid responsibility and activity is your passive aggression. So this state, as well as your doubt, indecision and feeling that you can 't think clearly are all you in addictive avoidance of your fear.

Cheers,
Mary

[Anita]

Hi Riza,
I relate to that feeling of being dysfunctional, I have fear and terror in me and just lately I have come to have more of a desire to connect with my fears. To soften to them, soften to myself and this talk is much helpful to me:
20091024 The Human Soul - Fear Revisited
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEoRUJr ... e=youtu.be

Thanks Maureen and Mary for your replies, they are helpful to me. That my inactivity is actually passive aggression, I have not thought of that.
Maureen you talk about retraumatization, is that what happens when we let spirits in on the process instead of owning and feeling all of our emotions ourselves?

Much Thanks
Anita

[maureen]

Hi Anita,

I was referring to retraumatization as it relates to recreating the terrifying events from early life in an attempt to face or revisit them and having more of a ptsd type of emotional experience where we just sort of tear open the wound again and again and try to cope with the current new damage and overwhelming circumstances over and over again without truly addressing the core issues...while expending lots of energy in pain, fear and trauma.

That is why I am finding that introducing a loving structure that provides a way to address my injuries more proactively (ie, with some routine and conscious intention in advance) is bringing more love to my equation through inviting in supportive input on a regular basis (through reading supportive material etc.) and moving through things that way. For instance, me reading about repressed memories written by someone who believes that is a possibility, invites into my life kindness, support, and validation that is essential for my hurt child self who has been so outnumber and nearly annihilated by my family for having repressed memories and trying to work through them decades ago. It helps me start again to turn and face things with more love surrounding my hurt child self than I had before.

Taking these small steps helps to bring kinder options for healing. My childhood was filled with violence and lots of physical assault. So, I feel actively bringing support forward that addresses/tends to the issue of trauma itself that accompanies remembering again is helping the healing process feel safe and loving and doable. I still go through lots of grief and terror and times of overwhelm but rather than it being because I am in ptsd type experiences, it is because I am safe, loved and supported enough to release the causal trauma.

I used to be in a lot reoccurring current life terrifying overwhelming circumstances as the result of my early life traumas. Which I see now was a reenactment and that just kept traumatizing me over and over again (ptsd often associated with violent early life traumas). Which did not help to resolve things...and only further harmed and exhausted me adrenally. And no matter how many time I "re-experienced" terrifying circumstances nothing underneath was being healed.

Now, just bringing in a bit of structure, allows me to address the core injuries in a steady and progressive way without "needing" trauma as part of the process. Which then helps the original trauma be released.

I feel like people who have had a lot of terror and physical trauma in early life might find this helpful too.

Love,
Maureen

[Maxine]

Hi,

I have just come across this thread and there are certain things I can really relate to. One of the things that struck me is the compassion with yourself, Maureen, that you are learning. I can still be a in cycle of times of realising some truth about my self or my life that is uncomfortable and then judging myself for not trying enough ( addiction). I have just started with a trauma therapist, who also is trying to show me, as you said Maureen, to heal the trauma in bite size pieces. I think this is especially important at the start of the process of dealing with intense fears and I guess that as you learn to feel those fears more, your fear of feeling them will lessen.

I feel drawn to the Alice Miller book you mentioned, so thank you for that.

I do have a question about addiction to controlling everything in my life to avoid how afraid I am - due to the chaos and unpredictability of my childhood, ( I realised this week I am in survival mode most of the time and do not go beyond that) but feel to start a new topic.

Maxine x

[Vivi]

I did not want to read this whole thread post but I wanted to thank you Maureen for the link to mary's thread.
For some years now I keep dreaming over and over again of being chased to death by people. The scenarios are different but the message is the same someone, some people, or something chasing me to harm me or kill me. But I always end up living terrified to face it and I run away. I have been finding some DT videos on this. It has been helpful.

Thank you for the link.