Resources on Parentification - Being a Parent to a Parent

[Amanda Stracey]

I thought it worth asking if anyone had come across any books, websites, music, films etc on this particular aspect of dysfunctional families where young children have to caretake parents who are either not taking responsibility for their lives or seemingly unable to take responsibility. Here is a link to quite an accurate description of what I'm getting at and this quote in particular resonates with me:

The effects and consequences of parentification are profound. Parentified children must continually struggle to meet needs they are not able to fulfill, and consequently, they develop deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. The pressure of having to constantly meet unrealistic demands instills a sense of hopelessness in the child that they will ever be able to handle the challenges life presents to them.

More Here: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/pare ... z42WEdPe3p

[Mary]

Hi Amanda,

'Emotional Incest' by Pat Love has some material about this issue in it:

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Incest- ... nal+incest

I have found though that while reading about these things can help to grow my awareness, I didn't really have true clarity about it until I have begun to let myself grieve about these dynamics.

So, after reading a gazillion books in previous years, my policy now is to spend a lot more time in reflection about what I really feel and to focus on letting feelings come up while reading.

I give myself plenty of time just feeling what the experiences were FOR ME, not just as they are related in the resource. It is amazing how powerful my soul is in conveying what is the real issue and the intricacies of how relationships in childhood have effected the way in which I view myself and the world around me. The key is becoming willing to connect to the hurt feelings and releasing the blocks to grief. And I know that that can be pretty challenging!

Love
Mary

[Maxine]

Hi Amanda,

I read "Silently Seduced" and found it useful : http://www.amazon.co.uk/Silently-Seduce ... 0757315879 and bought the Patricia Love one too.

I have read quite a number of books to do with healing from parental abuse of some sort and the gift it has given was to let me know, intellectually, that I was not crazy or to blame. However, it stayed intellectual and I haven't really allowed the grief, so I am totally with Mary on this. It is only very recently that I am allowing dribbles of grief to come. I can feel much more, kind of sitting in my chest, like a tidal wave that doesn't reach the shore. What is helping me is having trauma therapy - which is teaching me to have compassion with myself and to stop pushing and pulling and trying. These of course have become terrible addictions, but the therapist is helping to consider these addictions and the harshness I have had with myself - which of course only adds to the damage already done by my parents. I can now feel that learning self compassion is allowing a slow softening ( I still have lots of resistance) . I am starting to sometimes see myself more as God sees me and then a wave of sadness comes over me about what I was taught to believe about myself, and how used I felt.

I took a large piece of paper recently and wrote God's truth about myself, some quotes from Jesus, a list of things I love, and what I believe God would want for me and it is pinned right in the middle of the lounge wall. It is helping to move from my head to my heart more. The contrast of God's truth about me, compared to my mother's for instance, actually triggers the sadness , as well as a gradual awareness that God may really love me - and just as I am - that I don't have to be perfect.

So yes the books help me understand certain feelings I have had about myself and understand some of the dynamics of the relationship with my parents, and an epiphany or two - but without the willingness to feel they were very limited. There is nothing as powerful as allowing feeling - something I may be terrified of and still really experience, but I keep hearing Jesus saying "what are you worried about. God's got your back." I hit the wall recently and with so little faith in myself, I decided to concentrate on faith in God. I have read so many books, and I have a lot of knowledge, but without my will, I was going backward, staying stuck so now I just want to talk to God and keep talking until that is all I do - if you get my meaning. All that knowledge and what do I really know? ( In fact the use of my intellect has even been an addiction to avoid how I really feel about myself.)

Engaging our will in the right direction is the key whatever resource we use.

Maxine x

[Amanda Stracey]

Thanks Mary and Maxine for your advice and recommendations. The advice about how to use a book is really really helpful.

I've now found this book also which focuses in particular on feeling burdened by or responsible for a parent. It's a textbook but not so technical and some good descriptions of feelings and attitudes and effects of the treatment and the lack of control a child has - it has no option but to respond or rebel...

http://www.amazon.com/Burdened-Children ... 8&qid=&sr=

This article is also good - not sure all accurate though-

http://womboflight.com/2014/02/01/when- ... daughters/

Regards


Amanda

[Amanda Stracey]

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2016/ ... to-be-free

[Natalie]

Hi Amanda,

noticing this topi, I thought to give you a link to this presentation. Jenna talks about the emotional (and psychic) incest. She mostly by describes what happened to her, but also covers quite a lot generally and it is worth watching.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlVJWYJB-Ws Jenna