Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

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Sage
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Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

Post by Sage » Thu Nov 19, 2015 8:40 pm

Thank you for your words Eloisa, they are appreciated. I spent some time reading (and feeling what was surfacing) Mary's blog on self-punishment. Which then lead me to her post on Spirit Attack. Between these three posts I have had a lot of emotional realizations and some that are still hovering at the intellectual level. Thank you for your honesty and humility of where you are in addressing this addiction, and your posts in general. Thanks for the encouragement as well, I am not sure if that is an addictive thing for me or not, but it is appreciated and reciprocated!

I'm also unsure if I should start a new post in addictions, spirit attack or keep it here in prayer, so I'll just go from here.

I had an inkling the other day that some of my compulsive self destructive habits (mainly stuffing myself and distracting myself) might possibly be spirit attack. I am sure my inkling came from my guide, much thanks. Then the lovely Law of Attraction brought me here and then to Mary's blog. Which has helped me feel (a bit, I know there is still a lot more there) how connected spirit attack and self-punishment are for me. It seems that I feel compelled to 'stuff my face', do it and then berate myself for doing so. I was able to connect to the emotions and as Mary said, the specific emotions that those actions come from. As I am learning how to pray and allow my sincere feelings to surface. I can do so when these emotions come up and I am finding that I can get further into them then I had previously by praying.

I began to feel a lightening as the constant compulsion (probably spirit or group of spirits) took a step back and then was shocked to feel myself feeling a scrambling sensation of wanting it to return, like it was some dear and cherished friend that I was lost without. This opened a whole new set of emotions that I have not yet felt, but know that they are there. I am not able to sincerely pray to feel these emotions yet, instead I will pray for Truth. I feel that a lot of things opened for me, but the pull to return to my comfort zone is so strong (probably partly spirit influence, now that I think of it), and partly due to my terror of truly feeling the shame and hurt inside. I will continue my experiment with Prayer and developing my will to face and dissolve these addictions.

In gratitude,
Sage

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Eloisa
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Re: Compulsive Self Destructive habits

Post by Eloisa » Fri Nov 27, 2015 9:14 pm

Hi

I have moved this topic from 'Prayer' to the 'Addictions' section of the forum as I felt that is more appropriate considering the nature of the thread.

I also re-named it.

Cheers

Eloisa

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Eloisa
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Re: Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

Post by Eloisa » Fri Nov 27, 2015 9:44 pm

Hey Sage

Some things I noticed in your response.

You mentioned that:
‘stuffing myself and distracting myself might possibly be spirit attack’.
In my experience over eating and distracting myself are ways to avoid feeling how I really feel. They are both addictions. It is important to remember that these are choices that you are making, they are not being done to you. There is a reason we engage them and it is really helpful to find out why we want them.

Also interactions with spirits are exactly the same as with people with a physical body - except that most of us can’t see them - yet (unless you have worked through this injury and are open to doing so).

Any attractions with Spirits are a Law of Attraction event - both loving and unloving interactions - and are an opportunity to feel something and refine our soul in Love. I would avoid blaming others/spirits for what is happening to you and instead look at what the Law of Attraction is trying to show you through the interaction.

I notice that most of us have a lot of addictions with spirits/people. I also notice that others can only influence and manipulate us in the places that we have emotional ‘holes’ and openings that allow them to do so. As we feel through our emotions and close these emotional 'holes' external influences will get less - or have less effect (I suspect). Sometimes it feels like I receive more attack when I begin to make changes and become more sincere, again this is an attraction to try and prevent my growth and an opportunity for me to feel more of my fears.

The link below links to a PDF on the DivineTruth website called: Relationship with God: Getting to Know God. It has a good explanation about how emotional ‘holes’ are created in our soul

http://divinetruth.com/www/en/devices/e ... %20God.pdf

I find that it is essential to look at me first. When I focus on others and what they are doing to me without looking at what the attraction is trying to teach me, I often avoid the lesson in love God is trying to teach me. It is another way to avoid my feelings. I feel that you may be doing this with the spirits you mention and I encourage you to grow the desire to sincerely feel the truth about what is going on.

I agree that you might be engaging the addictions to avoid feeling some feelings from people/spirits, or the projections from people/spirits, or just to avoid the feelings you have inside yourself (I don’t know your personal situation and cannot feel all your emotions and why you do what you do), but over eating, distraction and self attack are addictions that we choose to engage in, in order to avoid feeling our real feelings, often fears and I feel it is important to see that it is our choice (often from a learned behaviour, but still a choice) and is not imposed upon us once we are adults.

You say,
‘ I feel compelled to stuff my face and then berate myself for doing so’
I know this feeling and it keeps me feeling terrible about myself. The compulsion you mention indicates the addiction and berating yourself is extra punishment which is another addiction to stop the feelings coming at you or to get away from feeling the real emotions that you have, I am also discovering how manipulative it actually is to engage this addiction (Sin). I have much experience in doing what you describe and I really encourage you to have courage and make the choice to feel rather than avoid. This is a process and you will need to deconstruct the self punishment (any addiction first). ‘Start with feeling where you are at right now’ - Jesus & Mary. The Australian Assistance Group material is awesome. It is so great in helping to understand addictions better and to begin to deconstruct them!

Link to Divine Truth Resources page with all the Assistance Group Material and links:

http://divinetruth.com/www/en/html/inde ... stance.htm

I notice I eat more when I am afraid of specific/particular things and don’t want to feel the feelings I have. I also eat more when I am self punishing and often I gain weight rapidly which actually makes me feel even worse.

I suggest looking at when you desire to distract, self punish and/or you eat more. What are you feeling when the compulsion comes over you? The first step is to recognise that we have the addiction, then find out when and why we do it and then feel about what is the real issue we are wanting to avoid by engaging the addiction.

A possibility is to stop eating and feel instead, this is possible, it just takes the use of our will in a positive direction. If like me there are times that you get compulsive and disassociated and you only notice you have done it after you have done so, or in the middle of doing so, it is helpful to begin to actually feel yourself and find out why you don’t even notice when you are doing it. Then when you do notice stop and feel instead of continuing with the addiction. I suggest that this will bring up the feelings very rapidly. Then we need to have courage to stay with the feelings until they are felt. Part of this is to work through the blocks and resistances we have to letting our emotions flow all of the time.

You mention how you felt a:
‘scrambling sensation of wanting it to return’
when you challenged your addiction a little - this is where we need to stay and feel. I reckon, our emotional addictions feel just like going off drugs or sugar, when we begin to give them up. Often the first step is to feel how much we actually want them and why we desire to hold onto them so much! From what you said this is where I would start - why you wanted the feeling back.

I feel praying to see the Truth is a great prayer.

I wish you courage to discover and challenge your addictions!

Eloisa

P.S. I am noticing how every reply I make on this forum totally applies to myself, so thanks for the opportunity to self reflect and see where I have quite a bit of work to do myself.

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Eloisa
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Re: Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

Post by Eloisa » Fri Nov 27, 2015 11:51 pm

P.S. I just wanted to be really clear that it is the resistance, avoidance and choice to NOT feel my emotions that causes me to go to my addictions and remain in them. It is not due to feeling afraid or the actual emotion, but the desire to avoid feeling these feelings that is the issue.

Sage
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Re: Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

Post by Sage » Wed Dec 02, 2015 1:43 am

Hi Elosia,

I appreciate your reply and have sat with it for several days; feeling, thinking and avoiding in a cyclical nature. I recognize the lack of humility I have in relations to all of this. I keep trying to write a response, but it's all just a jumble of intellectualizing bullshit. I'm going to have to spend some more time actually allowing myself to feel my blocks and resistance and praying of course, before I'm able to engage honestly.

I too wish you courage to discover and challenge your addictions :)

Sage

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Marina Smargiannakis
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Re: Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

Post by Marina Smargiannakis » Fri Dec 04, 2015 5:41 pm

Sage, thank you for sharing.

Eloisa, thank you for your response and sharing the great link/pdf about Getting to Know God.

I also am an overeater and have had many self-destructive habits, and still do. Something I often suffer from, and is a forefront these days, is chronic fatigue. When I clicked on the link, it was the first item in the table of contents, so thank you, really.

I also wanted to share that the most easiest, primary way for me to feel and execute any control, when i 'think' every emotion is not palpable, is to eat. For myself, I realize how angry I become when I even try to discipline myself, because it is 'the one little piece of happiness I have.' I can see how the way I treat myself, my body, is closely-correlated to how I treat others. Truthfully, being self-destructive feels like a much easier and more comfortable action to take, than for me to have the bravery to feel through my anger/fear/sadness in it's entirety. It is a sin that doesn't feel like a sin to me, because it is something I am so comfortable with.

I identify that although I have superiority feelings and a lot of demand, I also feel like who I truly am isn't, and will never be enough; who I am never really matters, that I have nothing to offer this world. Therefore, being demanding, and forcing myself emotionally/being manipulative is the only way to live/survive. Being self-destructive is also an avoidance to feel the hurt I've caused others with my actions and projections on a daily basis. For myself, it is more important to feel this before I feel the hurt that was given to me.

Currently I believe that being alone in this world = being alone without God = never being protected, ever.

This piece in the PDF helped me a lot to realize what it is I am resisting, and to see how hopeless I really, honestly feel this 'all' is.

2.5. Coming to trust God through our emotional processing-
Mary: Because at the moment you touch into your fear and you go, “No, no, no, no, I can’t do this, because I’m not
going to be protected.” Whereas once you grieve this feeling that God’s not going to be there, you’ll have more faith
and then when you hit your fear you’ll go, “It’s okay, I can just surrender into this fear.” [00:27:25.00]
And, “God will help me through the whole process. God will help me deal with this emotion.” [00:27:28.23]
Thanks again.

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Amanda Stracey
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Re: Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

Post by Amanda Stracey » Fri Jan 22, 2016 8:55 am

I'm about a third of the way through reading and listening to a book on compulsive eating and generally disordered eating called Lose Weight Now by Allen Carr which I thought might be helpful to mention here. What I'm loving about it is the simple way in which TRUTH is expressed in the book and how rapidly the logic and power of the truth can help bring about change that I feel has a chance of becoming permanent. I'm afraid I've forgotten who mentioned Allen Carr recently but his name was mentioned in a thread recently on the forum by someone relating to giving up smoking and that the book or method contained some divine truth principles in addressing our true will rather than relying on will power. I thought I would check the author out and found there are books in the series about various subjects including over eating and addiction to processed foods.

I'm finding the logic very appealing and it's written very simply so can appear simple and perhaps easy to dismiss. Also many false beliefs are looked at. It doesn't really look at what we are running away from in loads of detail but it has made me realise the immense power of say just one truthful statement about any subject if we see its logic and feel the effects of how we've acting in the past believing a lie and how we can now act if we accept the truth. One example is the addictive nature of some processed foods especially ones where fat and sugar are combined. That they actually create an addiction and by abstinence in the beginning we can prove that fact to ourselves.

Amanda

Sage
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Re: Compulsive Self Destructive Habits

Post by Sage » Sun Jan 24, 2016 5:38 pm

Hello all,

Thank you all so much for engaging in this discussion. After Eloisa moved this thread here and it became about overeating I pulled back as I have built a façade around eating and weight issues that I don’t deal with them or talk about them from a sincere place. I have a lot of injuries and false beliefs within me passed on to me from my mom and extended family then reinforced by society in general and myself specifically. I am just realizing how deep my resistance to feeling about any of this truly is. I knew that I was resistant to talk about it because I didn’t want to be like my mom and feel ruled by body image and weight, but I was not allowing myself to become aware of my own feelings about it. I am beginning to see that my resistance lies more not wanting to feel the judgement and disappointment directed at me, and I am sure other emotions that I am not aware of yet, that I internalized as I started gaining weight at a young age.

I have recently been talking about my intellectual awareness of how connected my weight is to my emotions as I’ve been ‘doing all the right things’ in terms of food and exercise and still not losing weight. I became vegan the day I heard AJ for the first time in “secrets of the universe” about a year and a half ago, then, for the past three weeks I have been following a candida diet removing all sugars including most carbohydrates. And still have not seen drastic changes: reinforcing the knowledge that it is emotional, not physical. I am (superficially) intellectually aware of my addictions associated with food, and my resistance to feeling the emotions that they are suppressing. I am intellectually aware of how vast and complex the injuries and errors are stemming from many different places, holding many different false beliefs and many different emotions I am trying to avoid. And I am unwilling to see the sin in it. I keep making changes physically (what I am eating, how much I exercise) but am still quite willfully avoiding feeling my emotions through other self-destructive compulsive behaviours (addictions).

When I read the posts by Marina and Amanda I felt anger that this post was about eating, exposing part of my façade, resistance and denials. Today I allowed myself to feel through that anger and feel my real resistance (my fear of acknowledging and feeling my emotions associated with food and facing the addictions and façade emotionally). I am so grateful for this place to be able to share sincerely and honestly, giving opportunity and allowing myself to grow and step out of the closely held confines of resistance and denial, that I had created around me in regards to this topics. The fear in me when I started this post showed me how important it was for me to do it. Allowing myself to feel that fear and be open to feeling what it was hiding has helped me get through another layer. I am recognizing that I have many layers to go through and with each I am feeling my capacity to feel my emotions expand. It is a much slower process than I thought it should be, back when I had the arrogant belief that I could just blaze through it all in a week or so but I am coming to realize that it is a much more thorough, real and loving process, albeit still challenging (less and less so) as I am still at the early stages of the experiment.

I will check out that book and feel a lot more through the process I am sure. I like the idea that it upholds the Divine Truth principles as I no longer want to engage in will power based or new age reframing (denial) based processes.

Thanks again for the engagement,
Sage

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