Terror and Trauma from Rape and other abuse

[Maxine]

Hi,

Yesterday I was confronted with a man who sat opposite me at work ( he is a colleague) and told me how many women "ask for it." Intellectually, I know that no one directly asks for it, but I also felt the complexity of emotions in me about this. I have conflicting emotions about fear of rape, but also that I deserve it/want it. I have an addiction still for approval from men ( and women), but I also have fear triggered by direct attention, added to all the events around sex in the physical and spirit world, including rape which create anger, fear/terror and huge grief.

It is utterly confusing at times (I don't want to feel it or have a fear that the darkness/error in me around this is the truth) ,but in the last two months following Mary's feedback to me about the podcast I have tried to become more sensitive to when others are being unloving towards me. It is a journey, and at times I am speaking up honestly about it, and other times I am still in fear, but then also I am just angry but it has also allowed me to feel how de-sensitised I have become to my own pain. I have started to let them trickle through and am reading about trauma ( in relation to many events - not just sexual) at the moment : The Body Keeps the Score. It is not a perfect book from the point of DT, but it is helping me see how un-felt trauma plays out daily in my life and to have some understanding and compassion with myself in the process "unfreezing" as I refer to it. This compassion, in turn, is allowing some emotional memories to seep through and be felt. From the awareness of why allow others to treat me unlovingly I see that sometimes in order to "protect" myself I am unloving back, and in seeing this I try to feel below and discover feelings of low self worth.

I have a way to go, but Mary's advice to soften stays with me and it certainly is slow progress, but I can see already the power in it. A bit more compassion with myself has also allowed me to feel more passionate about one of my passions to write and I am discovering a little piece of myself which is pretty special.

Hope this helps some of you as some of you have helped me with your comments. Also, from my podcast feedback, feeling Mary and Jesus' compassion and love for me was a real gift and that they have that for all of us. I was like "wow! oh compassion! yes I forget that." Better than self-judgement for sure.

Maxine