Fear of no time, and fear of no time to feel fear

An illusion yet feels so real
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Niky
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Fear of no time, and fear of no time to feel fear

Post by Niky » Fri Oct 09, 2015 10:17 pm

:shock: :? :|
I think the fear controlling my life the most has to do with time and getting things done or else it will pile up and I will never finish. I might start to feel my fear of it, but then I end up telling myself (and there goes the fear taking over again) that I don’t have time to feel my fear, I will feel it later.

One day my boyfriend tried to describe how my mind looked to him, he said it was like in my city, I have a building in many places, but they’re all unfinished projects. Vs him having a few buildings, but at least they’re all completed. Well I can think of a few projects or activities I’ve started and never finished.

Whenever I feel like I’m just about caught up on things, I just sit, and I start to feel anxious, my breath rate increases, until I start doing something else again. I feel like I’m going to run out of time or something, even though I’m almost caught up. I frequently plan and organize to feel like I have some vision of being finished. I’ve been this way since I was 9 yrs old. It’s a never ending crazy cycle. Of course I’m not always doing to-do’s. I take addiction breaks also, whether it’s a food, or some form of entertainment, before I get back to to-do’s.

I think the fear is related to getting chores done in childhood or get punished (and the chores never seem to end, as they repeat every week.) Mixed with time constraints and adult responsibilities in young adulthood. Pay this and renew that and register for this and fix that, etc.

Niky
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Re: Fear of no time, and fear of no time to feel fear

Post by Niky » Fri Oct 09, 2015 10:33 pm

I mean, I do take the time to, but apparently, I don't take enough time.
I'm not sure if posting this helps anyone. I'm probably just asking for, wondering if I am on point with what might be causing this.

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Amanda Stracey
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Re: Fear of no time, and fear of no time to feel fear

Post by Amanda Stracey » Sat Oct 10, 2015 11:26 am

Niky

I've been very resistant to understanding what addictions are, Why we want them , what's bad about them, are they really damaging and sinful. I feel until I really appreciate that I won't want to do much about any of my addictions.

There was/is heaps of information on addictions and why we have faith in them to make us happy rather than trusting Gods way in both Australian Assistance groups and eventually having the sense and courage to challenge all the ways we harm ourselves and our environment. Plus there are all the older videos on addictions and expectations to watch.

One of my favourite videos though is from the U.S. Assistance group and I love it because it feels very clear and basic and powerful. It looks at the reasons why we created addictions for ourselves.

http://youtu.be/SDeRs2W7SJQ

I've also found it helpful to see how Jesus and Mary show people how to track back on addictions in some of their videos.
http://youtu.be/Q2401sdphkU
http://youtu.be/8Z1NaakicIE
Hope that's not too basic for you but I know until I've had the epiphany of how much damage I'm doing I won't want to change.

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Courtney
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Re: Fear of no time, and fear of no time to feel fear

Post by Courtney » Sun Oct 11, 2015 4:35 pm

Hey Niky,

I can identify with some of these emotions and have been working on my own addiction to being busy/productive. For most of my adult life I never felt like I could relax even when the "to-do" list was done either. I used to be the kind of person who could not even really sit still and just hang out with people casually--I felt anxiety about not being productive then.

You mention you take "addiction breaks" from this cycle of being really busy, which makes me wonder if you perhaps haven't identified yet that staying busy itself can be an addiction (esp. if motivated by fear as you said yours was). So, there is a good chance that you may actually be in addiction a lot of every day in this case.

It sounds like you've sat with it a bit, at least enough to know that the busyness is about fear, and helping you avoid feeling it, and that's a start, though it sounds like you're saying that you stop yourself after feeling a little of the fear pretty quickly and basically go back into the addiction of getting things done, rather than staying with it long enough to really get into it in a way that would begin the process of healing it.

You also identified some of the underlying associations of punishment if you weren't productive as a child, and you've identified what some of the fear may be about -- money etc.

That's been a lot of the stuff underneath the busy addiction for me too. Don't underestimate how big the terror about money and things falling apart financially or otherwise can be. I wanted to mention that because I know you've mentioned some money fears in the other forums on FB too before and I have had/have some huge emotions about that. Money can represent so many other emotions about security, safety, whether passions are possible, abundance, self-worth, etc.

If you were punished when chores weren't done, or even threatened with punishment when they weren't done, really getting into the heart of these emotions for you would most definitely lead you to some grief and pain, as punishment systems (versus teaching about self-responsibility and law of compensation in a totally loving way) in parenting are all unloving ways to deal with a child. I was listening to a parenting talk by J&M recently and I think they classified punishment and reward systems under ways to control and manipulate a child. I have found huge emotions of what it felt like to be threatened with punishment, purposefully made fearful of it, and controlled and manipulated by punishment/reward systems as a child (of which my parents had tons).

For me, I have had to work through some actually pretty big feelings of self-worth underneath the busy addiction too--my dad all throughout my early childhood and teenage years criticized and shamed us (my brothers and I) for ever doing activities he didn't approve of as productive. So I have felt if I don't stay busy and achieve everything on my to-do list, and then even when I'm done the list, continue to be productive in the way my parents approved of, I am an awful, terrible person who is pathetic and lazy and a failure in life--a lot of which were things my dad said, verbatim. My mom was never verbally shaming in this way towards us, but she did live her own life in a busy addiction, never following a single passion of her own, and so I learned from her example that busyness was the noble and right way to live life, too. My parents both also had a lot of judgement and anger about other adults who, for various reasons, weren't as busy as them, which became a message I absorbed too.

I don't know if any of that last paragraph will be helpful for you, but I feel like I have noticed those of us who have had busy addictions do have some level of self-worth associated with getting things done.

I have struggled in the past with lots of physically-based addictions (busyness, multiple eating disorders, internet, TV, etc), and for me choosing to just stop the addiction and feel what comes up has often been the most helpful approach. Like, what if you took a whole day off and didn't get anything done other than having food? No cleaning, no errands, no work, no email or internet-based tasks, etc.? And didn't substitute that time with any other addictions like TV or the internet, etc.? What would you feel then?

Related, I feel like I've been listening to a lot of DLP seminars recently where Jesus and Mary emphasize that we have to carve out dedicated time for our growth: emotional work, prayer, being with God. And so when we're busy all the time we are really cheating ourselves out of what we need in order to progress on this path. For me right now that feels like quite a big issue of self-love.

Niky
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Re: Fear of no time, and fear of no time to feel fear

Post by Niky » Wed Oct 14, 2015 11:51 pm

Hi Amanda,
of course it is basic to my mind... but in application, it's not so basic to my soul, right. It gets complicated and unclear. After many years of this draining act, never really getting to a point of just relaxing, I can kind of see that perhaps it is something in the soul that needs healing. Thanks for the links.

Hi Courtney,
that's very much what I go through, it really affects my social life, and even going out and traveling in attempt to enjoy or have a vacation. The inability to relax and have fun is one of the things that lead me to this path, because I knew faking it wasn't going to cut it. The healing needed to be more real and at a deeper level.

Yes, I honestly do not yet feel that being busy is an addiction. I feel like it is more of a law of attraction, and of past creations, doing things that made more things to do in the present. I would like to take the day off but then I think to myself not until after I get every thing done.
I do notice that in the presence of my mom, if I don't look busy, I will have rage projected at me. If she's busy, I have to meet her level of busyness, but it's with things I don't really care about getting done. Without her, my busyness is different.

Food and entertainment addictions are even harder to avoid on days when I work, as a before work prep, and after work "recovery."

As for money, this is a different topic, but it is relevant to what's going on now also. I make a pretty decent income, and here I am, one payment away from paying off my student loans (in the past yr, I made it priority to pay it off fast). I am almost afraid of making that last payment, because I'm not sure I've dealt with that emotion inside of me that causes debt. What if I pay it off and something else happens?

Anyway, for now, I'm going to first deal with this busyness emotion.

Thank you Courtney.

Niky
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Location: California, USA

Re: Fear of no time, and fear of no time to feel fear

Post by Niky » Thu Oct 15, 2015 12:14 am

I recognize now that there's even something telling me not to make such a big deal out of this because things will get done, which is what I feel after I make a post. Despite the fact that things have not felt done in the past 20+ yrs! So yeah, it is a big deal!

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