No one owes me anything

When the red mist descends
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Laura Berry
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No one owes me anything

Post by Laura Berry » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:38 pm

I have been lurking in the shadows as a guest for a while in this forum and haven't felt worthy to post anything, but as I deal with these feelings little things I have realised along my journey so far have been popping up and I have dismissed sharing them with others as I feel what I have to post is not of benefit as everyone is ahead of me emotionally so there has been some embarrassment and humiliation feelings of exposing my true condition to others. I have realised feeling some of the unworthiness that I have put out unloving judgements of others as well as myself in assuming this and so am realising that even if what I post helps one person then it is perhaps worth sharing. Also I realised I have been afraid to post because I am afraid of receiving the truth about myself from others and when I have in the past I have often projected a lot of rage at the people who do so have been afraid of my own reactions to truth or the anger I have and the damage I have caused with my inability to own the anger. So I have decided to confront this today and start to open up more honestly with you all here and in my life in general. So am starting with what I have started to realise about anger.

I personally have many issues in my life owning anger that I have been ashamed of and I often have projected it causing harm to others and degrading my own soul. I know from my few interactions with Jesus that I have strong addictions that fuel this anger mainly the desire to have power over my emotional experience and others that trigger these feelings in me. I have been struggling with this for a looong time and have had big addiction to my angry feelings... I had a Eureka moment a couple of weeks ago, and when I was searching anger management websites I came across a psychologist who says she always tells her clients with anger issues that "No one owes you anything".

As soon as I read that I got very angry with God about the injustice I felt in this truth and felt a lot of anger and grief about this, a lot of feelings of self righteousness and I could feel a sense of how much demand has been coming out of me and a massive feeling of injustice that no one owes me anything for my pain. But it has really helped me connect with the feelings of injustice that I now realise comes with every pain and how feeling the pain of these events I attract into my life is unavoidable now I cant blame anyone for them ;). Every time I get angry now I say to myself or out loud that this person I am angry at owes me nothing. And I have found It easier to uncover my own unloving demands and addictions driving the anger. It has been a turning point in me starting to own my anger and I feel now is what Jesus meant when he said that " everything that has happened to you that was unjust....was unjust." and how important it was for us to realise this. I am a bit disappointed to discover I am still realising this after 4 years but I am also grateful I have started to realise this now. And felt this might help others struggling to own their anger.

I still have much work to do on my addictions that I am uncovering underneath the anger but realising that "no one owes me anything" even the people that have caused me pain and feeling the injustice of that has really helped me step forwards in this area into owning my anger and starting to see the unloving addictions underneath.

Laura

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Anneli
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Re: No one owes me anything

Post by Anneli » Thu Sep 24, 2015 7:56 am

I'm glad that you decided to share all of this, Laura - I'm going through that same process of seeing more of the full spectrum of how much I've wanted/want to control other's decisions, the self righteousness and the demand that life and even God who created "the system" owes me for my painful experiences. I've pretty much lived my whole life with the two injured conclusions that "God owes me for allowing dad to hurt me" and "I should not have to take responsibility for fixing my life, how could anyone expect me to with all these injuries in me?".
So thank you a lot, you sharing this in your post is helping me to find more focus (and motivates me more to not avoid my avoidance of this) on my huge desire to hold on to all my expectations and not feel my deepest grief!

Love and appreciation,
Anneli

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Alkhemst
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Re: No one owes me anything

Post by Alkhemst » Sat Sep 26, 2015 2:21 am

I like that insight Laura, was thinking about the idea no one owes me, the flipside like mentioned above is when people don't fulfill what they "owe" me, they are to blame, they in fact hurt me by NOT doing what I believe they should. That also "entitles" me to seek retribution, harm them in some way, to even the scales so-to-speak, which justifies my anger and actions in that anger put on them. It's the same with the idea that others should change, whatever makes me feel bad is their fault, they should change and not me, because of course they owe me, right? It's all good ways to tell myself I'm not responsible for how I feel, so I don't need to feel it. I have this issue too, but also the issue at the same time blaming myself and so I can affirm a boundary and state firmly often enough that I don't buy into this owing others stuff, here are my boundaries, based on loving myself and loving you etc.

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Alkhemst
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Re: No one owes me anything

Post by Alkhemst » Sat Sep 26, 2015 2:23 am

Can't affirm... Actually I can like I said but don't believe it right now fully

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Alkhemst
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Re: No one owes me anything

Post by Alkhemst » Sat Sep 26, 2015 2:31 am

Also in relation to this the self blaming, and not putting up boundaries - that's a strategy to avoid feeling the extent of the hurt put on me past and in the given present situation I attract. So I buy into this owing others thing too, I owed them so I deserved harshness and so I go on avoiding my responsibility to truly feel that I never did owe them and I never did deserve it.

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Laura Berry
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Re: No one owes me anything

Post by Laura Berry » Tue Sep 29, 2015 2:50 am

Thank you David,

Owing others feels like a big emotion for myself and have been going through the last week more intensely, I relate to what you say.

I just wanted to add in case it helps others as well, that for me there was an abhorrence in myself to even consider that I didn't owe anyone anything. Even thinking about it knocked me sideways and I felt sick or dizzy going there, lots of guilt and shame. On top of that before i reached the guilt was rebellion and self defiance and a demanding voice in my head "I don't owe them or deserve this" But that was to avoid the fear underneath of really feeling the guilt and shame and what might happen to me if I don't take responsibility for other peoples demands and how they might react towards myself or perceive me as selfish, ungrateful, rude etc. (so i would listen and take the demands into my soul and take the blame even though it was begrudgingly)

So had to go through layers to get there and even after receiving a message from my guides who said "demand is unloving no matter who it comes from or their situation and condition in life" i feel encouraging me to stick with it and feel the guilt, I still was pulled to taking the demand and doubting myself often. When I read your post I broke down because it felt like another confirmation i was allowed to feel these emotions about demands on myself and that i don't owe anyone as much as they don't owe me. Am still going through both of them too.

I just want to say thank you again for you words and loving response.

Laura

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