Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

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Amanda Stracey
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Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by Amanda Stracey » Wed Dec 02, 2015 9:23 am

I'm currently interested in looking at my own desire to rebel and have been looking at a post Mary wrote on her blog back in 2011 here:

http://mary.divinetruth.com/2011/07/07/ ... f-a-rebel/

This in particular is my focus at the moment -
Instead I want rebellion, I want to hold onto the belief that I can only be liberated while I hold my heart back. I fear being depleted by the hooks I have, the sensitivity I feel; only I do not let myself feel it is the depletion of the past that I still carry that burdens me.
The idea or feeling that rebellion and defiance is good and is the only way I'm going to survive in this world means a lot to me. It feels like it's my only chance of freedom I have if I can secretly (or not so secretly!) have my private world of opposition going on then I have a bit of control in my life.

I was just wondering if anyone had looked at this and wanted to contribute anything. I'm still at the stage of admitting (rather reluctantly) or getting used to the truth that I'm still actively rebelling (having had it pointed out to me) and resisting. I suppose I felt because I'm no longer doing the things I was doing in my teens and 20s that were a bit more obvious, that the feelings and habits and defiance have gone from me.

I am not recommending rebellion at all to anyone but to help me become more aware of these feelings that I have that rebellion is somehow cool and will help me - I'm putting together some songs on youtube that help me tune into that illusion of freedom that rebellion gives me. What's also great about some of the songs is that it's easy to feel the price of rebellion - the alienation, the damage to ourselves and others etc. If anyone wants to recommend any songs please do let me know.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=P ... gkXb9mZkV8

One film I saw recently that has been of help in seeing the price and possible causes of rebellion is Wild (2014) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2305051/.

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Laura Berry
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by Laura Berry » Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:17 pm

Dear Amanda,

I am very rebellious myself, and I feel wanting control over the truth about myself and my real feelings is a massive part of it. I get a feeling the more I confront my addictions the less rebellious I will get and the less control over the emotional experiences God is trying to help me go through will happen. Some things are just starting to sink in about developing the will muscle to allow myself to feel my pain, and when I resist the experiencing of the pain that wants to come to the surface I tend to get rebellious. So am starting to feel it is all about my resistance to feeling pain and allowing God's laws to assist me and surrender. I don't know if that is useful am still working through it all.

I hope you are doing well and much love x

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Maxine
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by Maxine » Thu Dec 17, 2015 3:08 pm

Hi Amanda,

I have looked into my own desire and what feels like enjoyment of rebellion in the last year. There is an anger behind it and inside I can hear myself feeling:

" I will not be what you want me to be"
" I am not what you say"
" I want to show you I am right and you are wrong."
" I hate the way the world is/people are and I want to do it differently.So stuff you and your rules!"

Of course, it is arrogant and an addiction to a what feels powerful feeling in order to avoid how powerless I may or how much I feel I am not accepted for who I am. The irony is, of course, is I don't really have much of a clue of who I am, but that feeling of not fitting in is connected to a deeper aloneness I have always felt and a despair at the human condition and how we are/treat ourselves, each other and the world. So again, the rebellion, like many other addictions is to help me avoid deep sadness. I think it may be a little different for each of us, but start with " I want to rebel because..." a whole heap of things come out. Gosh and as I write I can feel the fear in my rebellion too.

Best Wishes
Maxine

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Amanda Stracey
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by Amanda Stracey » Thu Dec 17, 2015 9:26 pm

Thanks Maxine. I've collected some clips that I feel have something to say about rebellion on this playlist here

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=P ... 6VUFUc4B-r

- if you have anything you want to share/add do let me know and I can add it when I've got time.

Thanks

Amanda

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Maxine
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by Maxine » Tue Dec 22, 2015 12:01 am

Thanks Amanda.

The first one immediately hit me, will work my way down the list.

Maxine x

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rizasukman
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by rizasukman » Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:46 pm

I have an issue with chronic fatigue and lack of enthusiasm to do things. It's a level of depression, which I understand is due to a desire to resist feeling my anger.

No matter how much I use my will-power to do things that I perceive to be my passion and desire, I find myself exhausted at the end of the day and really struggling to continue the work. Basically, the fatigue and depression doesn't go away.

In the meantime, I've been struggling for a few years to sincerely connect with my authentic feeling of anger. I feel it's hopeless or impossible to feel and get beneath my holding pattern of anger that is probably some childhood anger that i'm very afraid of expressing and judge. Either that or i'm not willing to feel the pain of my adult anger and instead living in the anger.

Can anyone relate and have any experience with moving through this type of resistance/rebellion?
Riza Sukman
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Courtney
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by Courtney » Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:54 pm

Hi Riza,

I had developed severe chronic fatigue syndrome by the time I was about 17-18. I'd sleep 10+ hours and be exhausted through the day, fall asleep in class, fall asleep in the shower, etc. I never had any energy whatsoever, no matter how much sleep I got. For me, it was at the same time as having been diagnosed with depression (also suppression of anger). When I finally went through a lot of that anger and rage, my chronic fatigue completely cleared up within about a year. It's not likely the main factor, but as it did happen at the same time, I thought I'd add that between when it was the worst and when it cleared up was also the time I went vegan, too.

Maybe consider stopping using your willpower altogether and just focus on your blocks to feeling and expressing (in a loving manner) your rage and anger. For me I simply had to go through that layer of emotion; I couldn't skip it. This was before DLP for me so I didn't have the framework of analyzing the layers of emotions or childhood vs. adult anger etc., but I did have a therapist that helped me validate it was ok to be angry (I was the "good girl" so that was never allowed, and also got severely punished anytime I got angry when I was little). For me, I was so much at rock bottom emotionally already that what I found is when I finally allowed my anger and rage, it switched to tears and grief very quickly, so I was able to get past the anger eventually and into the pain and sadness.

I'd probably be focusing on clearing up the false beliefs you have about it being hopeless to feel anger, and probably even more relevant, what you think will happen to you if you are angry, which depending on your childhood, may have meant love was withdrawn, you were punished, ignored, told you were a bad person, etc. These were some of the blocks I had to work through also.

Also, keep in mind if you're in adult anger, and you're living in it instead of feeling through it and releasing it, that means there are some pretty major addictions at play that you don't want to give up. So in addition to working on your blocks to anger, I'd suggest looking at what the anger might be giving you that you like and want; what addictions you get to keep by staying angry.

It's completely possible to fully heal chronic fatigue syndrome to the point that you have lots of energy all the time. Just depends on the willingness to feel emotions. :)

Courtney

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maureen
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by maureen » Tue Jun 28, 2016 5:40 pm

Hi Courtney...could you share the techniques you used to help reach and release your anger?

Thanks!
Maureen

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rizasukman
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by rizasukman » Wed Jun 29, 2016 3:31 am

Hi Courtney,

Thanks for the super quick reply.

1. What you are saying sounds like what I have been guessing. Like what Maureen asked, once you realized it was okay to feel/be angry what did you actually start doing differently in order to release some of that anger? What kind of therapist did you see? Was it body-based? I've done Somatic Experiencing.

I used to be in my head a lot and loved intellectualizing things, but now I find that i'm not really able to get to many real answers with analysis. I don't know where to begin. I think I have a big resistance to allowing myself to feel the anger and to feel the underlying emotion as well.

2. Have you had any experiences of realizing that you are using adult anger to stay in addiction and any examples? How did you come to that realization?

I don't fully get if i'm doing this part because I usually suppress even my adult anger and don't address it with the people that bring it out for me (ie. sister, friend, client, etc.). Because I'm afraid that I'll be bad if I do, though i'm probably passive aggressive anyway which is bad also, so I feel bad mostly. I usually go away without addressing the people and let myself just feel the anger in my body, or i'll journal about it to get it to flow more, or drop beneath. Usually, I feel sadness beneath it when I journal but I don't fully drop into that emotion either. So i'm afraid i'm seething in it as well (as AJ talks about in "Staying In Stuck Emotions" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w9bZM_Q914)

Sometimes, after a potent LoA thing, chunks of grief will come to the surface which I feel is authentic.

Thanks,
Riza
Riza Sukman
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Courtney
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Re: Rebellion and Resistance to God's Way

Post by Courtney » Sat Jul 02, 2016 1:58 pm

Hi Riza and Maureen,

It’s a challenge for me to try to go back and figure how to explain it in DLP terms because at the time it wasn’t very intellectual at all, and I haven’t actually tried to explain it till now, but here goes.

My therapist (regular talk-therapist) at the time that helped me start to acknowledge that I’d been treated badly (at this time it was about my dad) and helped me see it was ok to feel angry. I did journaling exercises where I'd write hypothetical letters to him about how I felt. I unloaded all of how angry and hurt I felt on the paper and didn't worry about how bad it sounded. I think I did some screaming into pillows too, but I wasn’t really thinking in terms of techniques.

Things were so bad for me that I felt like I couldn't not be completely emotionally overwhelmed. So... I think a lot of it was that I was in so much pain by that point that I just gave up holding it all together and just let the floodgates open, because I kind of felt like I'd die if I didn't. I don’t recommend waiting until being in this much pain, obviously!

Even though I had some fears about emotional overwhelm, I was not resisting it, so I allowed the anger and more so the pain under it to be pretty intense. I was sort of afraid of the emotions making me go crazy or somehow shutting down my body and dying, but even that I didn’t think about that much because I already felt like I was going crazy and dying before I started feeling all those emotions, and so once I started feeling stuff it felt sort of relieving at the same time. I just felt what was there and didn’t try to slow it down or minimize the intensity. I also was open to the grief and pain underneath, so I don’t think I had a tendency to stay in the anger in order to avoid the grief. I can recall spending more time in the tears under the anger than the actual anger. I also no longer had any resistance to seeing how my dad really treated me and feeling that, and so that helped me get into the full emotion, too.

Though the CFS went away in about a year after I started opening up some emotions, what I can reflect on now is that in a couple years following that, when I was resisting emotions, I would sometimes go through phases of being more tired than usual, though nowhere near what the CFS was like. During those years (still before DT), I started to allow expression of anger by myself in a bit more overt ways. During part of this time I lived in a little cottage in the woods by myself for about 2.5 years and it was a good environment for me to scream and yell, and I would throw things in a non damaging way (like clothes). I had a concrete porch and I would slam my running shoes down on it which was a good release. But again, really the time spent in anger was a lot less than the time spent in the tears underneath it.

So I hope this is helpful; as I said before I didn’t analyze too much at the time so it’s a little hard to recall and explain it.

Riza, it does feel to me like you’re still quite in your head about it rather than working through the blocks you have and just allowing yourself to feel, and maybe you’re wanting to understand it all intellectually before just starting to allow the emotions. I think you’re right in what you said in reflecting your resistance to both the anger and the sadness, and that’s why you’re in your head about it. I’ve noticed you’ve mentioned a resistance to feeling your anger in a couple of your posts since you joined, so I’d just work through why you don’t want to feel these emotions.

One of the biggest giveaways for me with adult vs childhood anger is, if I’m angry at another person in my current life who is not one of the people who damaged me in childhood, no matter what the current-life person has done, if I’m angry at them then I’m in adult anger and I’m only angry at them because an addiction is not being met. Childhood anger will be about the persons in your childhood and will be related to the childhood events, and there will be no resistance to feeling it when you’re sincerely wanting to go there. Also, if you haven’t seen them, there are a few really awesome vids on anger in the FAQ playlist on emotions here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=P ... 8_tDiaEGVB

Courtney

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