Hi everyone, my name is Jenny and I live in a small town in the middle of the US called Fairfield, Iowa. I'm 35 years old and currently a university student studying fine art, but in the process of applying to other colleges to pursue my true passion, music.
I've been listening to the Divine Truth for about 3 years now and I find my life to be in equal measure expanding and challenging. The beauty of the love from God is a gift beyond words - the joy that comes from knowing who I really am is stable and enduring. So my hope in connecting with you all is to further purify my soul, to further melt into Divine Love, to further develop the strength to challenge my addictions and unloving beliefs and to further allow myself to be vulnerable and truthful. I know that opportunities for this arise for me everyday, but I still want to thank Nicky for providing this particular opportunity to share with you all.
Jenny
Hello From Middle America
Re: Hello From Middle America
Hi Jenny
Welcome to the forums! Look forward to getting to know you here.
Nicky
Welcome to the forums! Look forward to getting to know you here.
Nicky
- Jenny
- Community Member
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Re: Hello From Middle America
I was inspired by Eva's post to write a more detailed introduction of myself. I feel I had a lot of facade going on in my first post and I realized that I'm really afraid of being known by others for fear that when they get close they'll see how shabby and unlovable I am. I put on this grand show to convince others of how magnificent and wonderful God created me to be, but really I don't believe it at all. And I worry that it's a heavy burden for another to bear witness to, but in my heart I know that my story is worth sharing, so I will do so now.
My childhood was pretty difficult. In my very early years my father so violently abused my mother that she was hospitalized a number of times. I don't remember any of it, but my older and sister do and they have proved to have more challenges in living functional lives. My parents divorced when I was one year old and I saw my father only a handful of times in my life before he passed in late 2013. My mother was present part-time in my life until I was 8, when she moved from our small town in Virginia to Washington, DC, leaving us children to be raised full-time by her parents.
My Grandfather was a violent and strict authoritarian, a despot, really, and even though I lived with him for the majority of my childhood, I know little about him. It was only when his health began to dramatically deteriorate that the whole family learned that he had prostate cancer. He had been receiving treatments for many years without even his wife knowing. He was a harsh disciplinarian, the punishment often did not fit the crime. I see now that he must have been in a lot of pain. I remember one of the first times I ever felt pure love was when I had been confined to my room for months at a time and found some words of comfort in a little bible that had been given to me. I prayed to Jesus and I could feel his presence with me.
My Grandmother is living and displays symptoms of schizophrenia. She was very afraid and we grew up in a stuffy house where all of the curtains needed to be drawn, windows and doors always closed. She felt that the neighbors were plotting against her and didn't trust anyone. So I grew up with very little freedom, not allowed to get something to eat from the kitchen or touch any of the appliances without asking first .
I was 13 when my mother married my stepfather, John. Since she was able to provide a more stable situation than when she was single, my sister and I moved in with her while my brother went to study at a music conservatory. I felt more like a sister with my mother than a child - she would tell me the details of her sex-life and her problems with John. We ate a lot of junk food, and most days she would sleep all day. Money was very tight and most of the time there wasn't enough food in the house. I liked John, and we bonded. It was nice to have a man in my life that was safe and fun to talk to. I think my mother was jealous of our relationship because at one point she accused me of sleeping with him and attacked me violently. I was already on her bad side because I would compulsively steal money out of her purse and clothes out of her closet, a habit of stealing that began right after she left when I was 8.
So I lived with them until the summer before my senior year of high school when Mom had finally had enough of me and sent me back to Virginia to live with my Grandparents again. My grades improved while I was there because even though it wasn't a very loving environment, I was having regular meals and there were fewer distractions than when living in a big city. I was accepted into a Christian college near Boston. Even though I had chosen another very restrictive environment, I started smoking marijuana and drinking almost every day, experimenting with some heavier drugs like acid and ecstasy. I stayed there for a year and was put on academic probation and had to leave. That summer my Grandfather passed and I moved back to Virginia. I lived with my Grandmother for about 4 years after that moving from Virginia to DC. My mother, John two younger half sisters had moved to Mississippi.
In DC I worked odd jobs mostly in retail and then later in administrative capacities in office environments. I was able to manage my life on a surface level. At the age of 19 I began having extreme anxiety attacks, but was able to manage them with yoga, meditation and journaling. At 23 they became more severe and I started taking psych medication. For the next ten years or so I used the medication and a lot of natural love methods to smooth over the bumpy bits that came up. I thought I was pretty content with my life of casual partying and co-dependent relationships, until I had a moment at my desk job where I realized that if I was ever going to follow my passion for creativity, I'd have to take a big leap. So I quit my job and weaned myself off the medication slowly and began working as a full-time jewelry designer. That was when I discovered Divine Truth, which was about 3 years ago. Since then I have returned to school; I'm now in my 3rd year of undergraduate studies in a small town in Iowa. I've shed all of my familial relationships and most of my old friendships, and am working on developing more loving relationships, but still finding it challenging.
Finding the Divine Truth teachings and growing this relationship with God has been the best thing to ever happen to me, along with the small bits of love that came to me in my darkest hours as a child. I feel those moments of light during my confinement as a child left an impression on me that always called me back home to God, no matter where I found myself in life. Some of those moments saved me from the suicide that I contemplated quite a few times when I was younger. And this love is what drives me forward and brings me out of the dark places in which I still often find myself. I have developed the faith that love always prevails, which I am so thankful for. Praise God!
Even though I know I've made a ton of progress, I feel I was coming from such a poor condition that I still have very little concept of what it means to really love. And so sometimes I feel overwhelmed and think that I have a lot of catching up to do just to get to an average level of lovingness - which is not very loving at all - if that makes any sense. So whoever you are, if you have read all of this, thank you for letting me share my story with you. And if you have any questions or are curious about anything, I'm happy to share more with you. I've been enjoying reading everyone else's stories and I'm grateful that there's a whole community of sincere truth-and-love-seekers to connect with.
Much love,
Jenny
My childhood was pretty difficult. In my very early years my father so violently abused my mother that she was hospitalized a number of times. I don't remember any of it, but my older and sister do and they have proved to have more challenges in living functional lives. My parents divorced when I was one year old and I saw my father only a handful of times in my life before he passed in late 2013. My mother was present part-time in my life until I was 8, when she moved from our small town in Virginia to Washington, DC, leaving us children to be raised full-time by her parents.
My Grandfather was a violent and strict authoritarian, a despot, really, and even though I lived with him for the majority of my childhood, I know little about him. It was only when his health began to dramatically deteriorate that the whole family learned that he had prostate cancer. He had been receiving treatments for many years without even his wife knowing. He was a harsh disciplinarian, the punishment often did not fit the crime. I see now that he must have been in a lot of pain. I remember one of the first times I ever felt pure love was when I had been confined to my room for months at a time and found some words of comfort in a little bible that had been given to me. I prayed to Jesus and I could feel his presence with me.
My Grandmother is living and displays symptoms of schizophrenia. She was very afraid and we grew up in a stuffy house where all of the curtains needed to be drawn, windows and doors always closed. She felt that the neighbors were plotting against her and didn't trust anyone. So I grew up with very little freedom, not allowed to get something to eat from the kitchen or touch any of the appliances without asking first .
I was 13 when my mother married my stepfather, John. Since she was able to provide a more stable situation than when she was single, my sister and I moved in with her while my brother went to study at a music conservatory. I felt more like a sister with my mother than a child - she would tell me the details of her sex-life and her problems with John. We ate a lot of junk food, and most days she would sleep all day. Money was very tight and most of the time there wasn't enough food in the house. I liked John, and we bonded. It was nice to have a man in my life that was safe and fun to talk to. I think my mother was jealous of our relationship because at one point she accused me of sleeping with him and attacked me violently. I was already on her bad side because I would compulsively steal money out of her purse and clothes out of her closet, a habit of stealing that began right after she left when I was 8.
So I lived with them until the summer before my senior year of high school when Mom had finally had enough of me and sent me back to Virginia to live with my Grandparents again. My grades improved while I was there because even though it wasn't a very loving environment, I was having regular meals and there were fewer distractions than when living in a big city. I was accepted into a Christian college near Boston. Even though I had chosen another very restrictive environment, I started smoking marijuana and drinking almost every day, experimenting with some heavier drugs like acid and ecstasy. I stayed there for a year and was put on academic probation and had to leave. That summer my Grandfather passed and I moved back to Virginia. I lived with my Grandmother for about 4 years after that moving from Virginia to DC. My mother, John two younger half sisters had moved to Mississippi.
In DC I worked odd jobs mostly in retail and then later in administrative capacities in office environments. I was able to manage my life on a surface level. At the age of 19 I began having extreme anxiety attacks, but was able to manage them with yoga, meditation and journaling. At 23 they became more severe and I started taking psych medication. For the next ten years or so I used the medication and a lot of natural love methods to smooth over the bumpy bits that came up. I thought I was pretty content with my life of casual partying and co-dependent relationships, until I had a moment at my desk job where I realized that if I was ever going to follow my passion for creativity, I'd have to take a big leap. So I quit my job and weaned myself off the medication slowly and began working as a full-time jewelry designer. That was when I discovered Divine Truth, which was about 3 years ago. Since then I have returned to school; I'm now in my 3rd year of undergraduate studies in a small town in Iowa. I've shed all of my familial relationships and most of my old friendships, and am working on developing more loving relationships, but still finding it challenging.
Finding the Divine Truth teachings and growing this relationship with God has been the best thing to ever happen to me, along with the small bits of love that came to me in my darkest hours as a child. I feel those moments of light during my confinement as a child left an impression on me that always called me back home to God, no matter where I found myself in life. Some of those moments saved me from the suicide that I contemplated quite a few times when I was younger. And this love is what drives me forward and brings me out of the dark places in which I still often find myself. I have developed the faith that love always prevails, which I am so thankful for. Praise God!
Even though I know I've made a ton of progress, I feel I was coming from such a poor condition that I still have very little concept of what it means to really love. And so sometimes I feel overwhelmed and think that I have a lot of catching up to do just to get to an average level of lovingness - which is not very loving at all - if that makes any sense. So whoever you are, if you have read all of this, thank you for letting me share my story with you. And if you have any questions or are curious about anything, I'm happy to share more with you. I've been enjoying reading everyone else's stories and I'm grateful that there's a whole community of sincere truth-and-love-seekers to connect with.
Much love,
Jenny
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