Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

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BrendaHoffman
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Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by BrendaHoffman » Sun Jan 17, 2016 5:23 pm

Hi, I'm 50 years old and have been watching DT videos since September 2015. I've had a longtime interest in searching for truth about God, Love, metaphysics, the universe, why the world is the way it is and how it got that way. Since my 30s, I've taken turns throwing myself deeply into new age teachings, Christianity, Judaism, atheism, and a rejection of all of them. But I've always been drawn back to teachings of Jesus, especially teachings of unconditional love from the bible. Since I found the churches teachings to be wrong and often downright harmful, I enjoyed delving into my own studies of Ancient biblical Greek. I found that just about every time I was drawn to study and translate a particular saying or teaching of Jesus' in the bible, I found that the words in Greek opened up a deeper, more touching and transformative understanding of what was being said, often stopping me in my tracks and bringing me to tears and the question "why isn't the church teaching this" and "why was this translated in such a misleading way?"
To a degree I've become curious about various belief systems and why people take them on. I've taken on many of them myself for a time before finding serious, harmful flaws and eventually discarding each one.
One day I became especially curious about cults, what drew people in and kept them there. I didn't want to just see what people outside the cults had to say about them, but I wanted to see words and videos by members themselves. While watching videos about moonies and heaven's gate, I kept seeing a "related video" pop up about a " dangerous new cult" in Australia led by a guy claiming to be Jesus. Finally I clicked on it and by the way he was portrayed I thought he was indeed a cult leader. But again I wanted to find something in his own words to see it from an inside point of view.
I found the YouTube channel and videos. At first I was a bit afraid to begin watching. "Am I gonna get sucked into yet another belief system for awhile?" But I was curious so I began watching. Wow, this guy seemed to have his head on more straight than anyone I've ever heard. So I decided to start from the beginning and watch the suggested playlist starting with Secrets of the Universe. I couldn't stop watching. And it drew my pessimistic husband from the other room and he couldn't stop watching.
It wasn't until a couple weeks later a memory came back to me. Back in 2003 when I really became especially interest in learning spiritual and metaphysical things, reading about numerology, Angels, conversations with God, etc., one night I had a "dream" that I was in the front row in a room where Jesus (I knew in the dream it was Jesus) was using a white board to draw diagrams while explaining many mysteries about life and the universe. There was a doorway to my left and someone standing in the doorway. I didn't know where I was but I assumed I was in a classroom in heaven. I was so happy, thrilled and blown away that I was learning truths beyond my wildest dreams. I loved it and was so grateful to be there. I knew my physical body was asleep at the time and hoped that I would remember everything when I awoke. Then I thought " of course I will, this is too awesome to forget."
When I awoke, I forgot what I was taught, I only remembered that I was there and that I was taught awesome truths.
So once I remembered that experience, I realized that this was likely Jesus, but even without that memory I would have kept watching and taking AJ's advice to experiment with the information. Because I have experimented, and I have found so far the teachings to be true. My life has been transforming ever since. My desire to be close to God has been growing, my desire to do harm has been decreasing.

AJ and Mary's teachings have been helping me to make sense of my thoughts and feelings and what I attract into my life, and has made sense of many things about relationships and the world that I couldn't make sense of, since so many things seemed wrong or skewed to me while seeming perfectly fine to most people around me. But when watching the videos and hearing AJ talk about all the unloving things that we do in the world, I'm like "Yes, exactly! That's what I thought!"

The past 10 years I had withdrawn more and more into a hermit-like existence, tired of the pain and discomfort I felt while interacting in the world. While interacting, I was often defensive or rebellious, afraid of disapproval, attack or being hated or rejected.
Through more sincere prayer and wanting to know why I had so much anger and fear, I discovered that I was unwanted from the womb. I confirmed from my mom that it was true. I was unwelcome in the world from the beginning and my childhood memories are of being treated mostly that way by my parents and 2 older siblings. I have continued to feel unwanted and rejected a great deal ever since.
What a relief to understand the cause! I've since been intermittently been praying and feeling emotions and gradually gaining clarity on my feelings and choosing to emerge from my hermit's life. I chose to challenge some of my worst fears by becoming a truck driver (to team drive all over the country with husband). I have a great fear of angry men, and I had to go out on my over-the-road training and spend 24 hours a day in a truck with an angry man. I took a lot of his abuse until I realized how unloving it was to myself to put up with it. I was terrified to confront him but I did it anyway and I cried in front of him and others and I requested another trainer. The second was a man who, while much kinder, did like to make fun of me. This is another fear of mine. Being afraid to do something that would invite ridicule from men. Every waking moment during road training was facing my hardest fears regarding men. I was so relieved to be finished with the training but I'm still working on facing my fears with men and trying to remember to feel what I feel rather than resorting to anger.
I've realized I must have a group of angry men spirits with me because I hear harsh criticism in my head over most every little thing I do. I always thought it was justified self-criticism but have realized how unloving these words are and how much they perpetuate the fears.

In the past year and a half I think I have watched all the videos. They continue to help me to grow in humility and a desire to grow in truth and love. They help me stay aware of how much forgiving and repenting I've yet to do. They help me to want to stay on the path and remember that God loves me no matter what and that I can always grow in my relationship with God, I can always ask for help and always receive it if I truly want it. And I continue to keep finding out that this is true.
I'm so grateful to God for his loving ways, and so grateful for Jesus and Mary for sharing and teaching about God's love and truth, and grate to all who contribute to this work.

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Eloisa
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by Eloisa » Mon Jan 18, 2016 8:41 am

Hi Brenda

Welcome to the forum!

I hope you find your time here beneficial in exploring and discovering more about yourself, others and God's Truth!

Cheers

Eloisa

PS really glad that the personal Truth session on our relationship helped you. It was awesome to get such direct feedback!

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BrendaHoffman
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by BrendaHoffman » Mon Jan 18, 2016 11:05 am

Thank you Eloisa, I'm glad to be a part of the group.

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Nicky
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by Nicky » Tue Jan 19, 2016 4:40 pm

Hi Brenda

Welcome to the forum. I don't know if you feel the same Brenda, but when I re-watch a video, I begin realising more things about that area that I did not connect with previously which I think is really cool.

One thing I thought to just mention to you is that from reading your introduction, I feel the anger you mention you have towards "the world" in terms of the general condition of the people living here currently and the varying mainstream religions that people practice as you touched on, particularly christianity comes through quite strongly in your post. It seems you have been starting to look at some of this as I feel that is what probably caused you to withdraw from society/live a "hermit's" life a number of years ago, which I feel one would only take from a place of suppressed anger or blame of others. From this place, it can be quite easy to slip into judgements towards others, so maybe something to reflect upon there.

There is a current discussion on the issues that I have raised above that have come up for another member who recently joined the forum from the USA. I have provided a link to the thread below if you'd like to read further:

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=827

Nice to meet you.

Nicky

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BrendaHoffman
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by BrendaHoffman » Wed Jan 20, 2016 12:53 am

Yes Nicky, absolutely! I would even say rage. Yes, and seemingly non-stop judgments. I have a lot of work to do on these emotions and what lies beneath. Although I have done what seems to me to be a great deal of repenting, I believe I have barely scratched the surface. More than anything, I've been awakening to just how much anger and judgment I engage in and have been practicing at owning it rather than projecting it. But the emotions still arise very often.
Thank you for the open and honest feedback. I welcome it.
I agree about re-watching videos. I'm currently going through them again, and yes, discovering new things I had not really listened to before or did not touch my heart before. I'll check out the one you provided a link for, as I was just about to look for one to play.

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BrendaHoffman
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by BrendaHoffman » Fri Jan 22, 2016 7:59 pm

Nicky,

I wanted to reply again because I was a bit rushed last time. I realize you referred me to a post when I thought you were referring me to a video. The post contained a couple links--one to a video recommended by Lena and a video clip recommended by Maureen. Thanks to your feedback, I was spurred on to take a closer look at my tendency to get angry and/or blame and I'm finding it's a lot more often than I realized. On top of that, the videos are helping me to admit that I'm not owning my anger as much as I liked to think. This is helping to increase my desire to feel more rather than hanging on to painful emotions. Before joining the forum I had started praying for help with these things and I'm finding that my prayers for help are getting answered.

Your feedback is welcome anytime, and thank you for the gift!

Brenda

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julie_bennion
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by julie_bennion » Fri Jan 22, 2016 11:52 pm

Hi, and Welcome Brenda ~
I just want to say my heart feels warmed by the honest & loving exchange between you & Nicky, here; and also that it's inspiring to hear you taking responsibility for feelings & ongoing projections & judgements that you have become more aware of. Thank you for being so transparent!

I don't get the feeling you are being critical or harsh on yourself... I hope that's true, that you're not being harsh on yourself.

I've recently been feeling about how & when I am hard on myself, the sin of it, and can feel pretty clearly where this comes from, and for how long I've carried and buried it. First, under depression, then beneath addictive-sedated states, later, even more hidden under a facade of seeming cool,"I'm hip", with (now I recognize) an attempt to make myself feel better than 'those guys'.

I'm embarrassed in owning this, while also feeling huge relief to be seeing & feeling what's true! I don't know if any of this relates to you... I hope I haven't gone too far afield!

Julie

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BrendaHoffman
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by BrendaHoffman » Sat Jan 23, 2016 1:12 pm

Hi Julie,

I agree that it's nice to see and feel the truth of what we are doing. I do get hard on myself at times, but thanks to DT teachings, I've realized that this is harmful. I don't think I was being hard on myself in my correspondence here, I believe I was just attempting to be honest about my emotions. However, if I do find that I am doing this, it's another opportunity to feel the emotion of it. I think we should also take care to notice if we are being hard on ourselves for being hard on ourselves. I totally relate to the facade tendencies you've mentioned. It's so nice to be gaining in awareness and taking steps to release the facade, isn't it?

Thank you for sharing with me!

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julie_bennion
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by julie_bennion » Sun Jan 24, 2016 7:02 pm

It's a pleasure to share with you, Brenda! I just looked back at what you shared in your intro and saw another similarity between us that makes me chuckle ~

"In the past year and a half I think I have watched all the videos."

Me too! :lol: :lol: But then... when I do find one that I've somehow missed, I'm like, Cool!, More Truth To Be Inspired By!, and by which to more clearly feel myself. These are such gifts! and I am happy to say, these days, I am not Nearly So Afraid to open them up, and see what's inside.

Oh, I also have a keen desire to live free of the brutalized systems we have created on earth, by returning to the land, growing and learning from scratch and by experiment, how to do it God's Way. I hope to be going to Arizona this spring to explore a bit in this vain, alongside another friend on the Path who is looking for property, as we speak. If you'd like, I'll let you know more on this as plans come into fruition.

Tootles,

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BrendaHoffman
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Re: Hi from Brenda Hoffman in Texas, USA

Post by BrendaHoffman » Mon Feb 08, 2016 9:32 pm

Yes Julie, I'd like to hear more about your new way of living that you move into. We have similar interests and a similar journey.

I lived in Patagonia, Arizona for just under 3 years. South of Tucson in a lovely small town. Plenty of vegans because that where Dr. Gabriel Cousens has his raw food retreat and health practice. I worked for him. There's also a small health food market in town which carries lots of nice produce and you can place custom and/or bulk orders each week. I miss that town.

I look forward to seeing how it goes for you.

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