Denial, self deception and cancer

Nope, I'm awesome and perfect already thanks!
Post Reply
User avatar
Maxine
Community Member
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:06 pm
Location: Devon, Englan
Contact:

Denial, self deception and cancer

Post by Maxine » Wed Jun 08, 2016 11:51 pm

Hi guys,

I have been writing a blog for the past couple of years and recently made my first vlog... initially it was I started to record it just as a tool for myself, but after a couple of weeks reflecting and feeling through some fear about sharing it I decided to publish it. It is very raw and rough, but I hoped it would help those who continue to resist truth, like I have, to see the extent we can go to and the harm it does. I am still reflecting on my sins and emotions in relation to the the cancer I have had in the last year, and I would love to say "I got cancer and immediately felt the truth and emotions about it", but that is not what happened. In fact, Jesus says that every person he has advised about their cancer has been completely resistive to truth. This of course freaked me out when I heard this last year and told myself at the time I would change that - then immediately buried my head in the sand, that I was not facing personal truth, or if I was it was a smidgen of intellectual truth. It is only very recently I have started to feel a shift in me and I have a long, long way to go, but I do feel more desire and started to see the excuses I have had for not doing the Way. I have, like many of you, been talking the talk ( using my intellect is in fact one of my addictions) and not walking the walk.

It may seem like a long, long walk, but I figure if I don't even start it I am just going to spend the rest of my days staring at the path and in fact even forgetting it is there. I am fortunate than most people with cancer - I have come across DT teachings and I have an opportunity that most have not right now. I am grateful for this ( and challenged!) and I am also grateful for the Robert James Lee books which are giving me an education in love and God that astounds me and is helping me put my foot forward...

The video is about an hour and if you chose to listen I hope it helps in some way.

https://thetruthofitall.co.uk/

Maxine

User avatar
maureen
Community Member
Posts: 121
Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:37 am
Location: New Mexico, USA
Contact:

Re: Denial, self deception and cancer

Post by maureen » Thu Jun 09, 2016 9:36 pm

Thanks for sharing yourself so openly Maxine.

I relate to a lot of your feelings...being outnumbered and unsafe and unprotected and confused from my childhood and I can see too how that has led me to not understand or feel God to be loving in many situations still.

That is where I can see I enter into projecting "demands" onto others/my environment. And thanks to that session with Jesus and Andrew (who passed from lung cancer) where I first heard that cancer is born of demands going out from us toward others...it opened my eyes to this whole concept of demands being unloving even when they don't appear that way to us at the time (like in his case).

I have a workplace bully these days and I can feel how I have these overwhelming emotions rising up that my managers step in to address this. But I know too that that is an unloving thing. For one the bully is a friend of the manager so she is totally aware of her abuse but allows it (just like my mother) and the owner of the company has just moved the bully around subjecting different groups of people to her viciousness for years (and it is now my turn).

So, rather that just drop down into the emotions of terror...I want them to "do their jobs" and "care" about me.

But they don't want to. And I know this. So, to ask further is a demand...that is unloving.

So, I need to just feel my way through the abuse and the vulnerability and attack...the utter panic....and shear terror...and mostly, my inability to protect myself from an empowered abuser inside of an unloving system where my welfare is not valued or considered...and that I am like an unloved disenfranchised child inside of.

This is a major theme for me...but I never saw my part...the demand coming from my soul toward others in these triggering circumstances and how that is where my soul gets ensnared and degrades.

So, that is what I am finding now. God is taking me into these places because I too want to come to see where I am demanding others to "love" me and "protect" me from abuse. And I can definitely feel how huge that demand is by not acting on it....just writing, praying, connecting to my anger privately, not sharing the story with others either in a demanding way in hope of creating protection. etc. I can see how I have very little trust that I can live in love and freedom and safety independent of the soul condition of any other person on earth or any choice they might make or not relating to me.

So, I don't have faith yet about God in abusive situations...and so I have all this self-reliance that comes in the form of demanding others be in a "better" condition of love that I would feel safer in the midst of.

Yet, that is not a loving for me to do. Even though it feels like self-love and self-preservation (similarly to killing people who threaten your life in war zones feels like the right thing to do when we don't understand God's truth and laws and loving design...about a given situation yet), etc.) And, for me, it really scary to just let others be wherever they are when my own fate and survival feels at stake.

I'm not sure where you experience your own demands or if you feel them vividly yet...but I am sure now that God will show us these things so they become really obvious and then we can take new actions...or not take the old ones....and that will unearth where and why we have no faith or reliance on God's love. It's like giving up the demanding projection leaves me with only God to find my way forward and out of desperation and confusion and self-reliance....and hopefully into a state of love ultimately in that area). And, I have a feeling it is going to be a much better life, not feeling like I need to micromanage the souls of others and get them to be more loving before I can feel safe on earth.

Though I have not been diagnosed with cancer...I can see for sure the evidence of my lack of love and connection with God in my physical body. And that is what I was praying to God about lately when this whole new area of "demandingness" was made more clear to me as these events began unfolding. I can see how it is just awful and so powerful when we project out these huge emotions that others be different than what and where they are. I am sure this is how it was as a child for me and later too (similarly to you) as my family penalized and condemned me to a life of hell on earth for daring to speak up about the abuse there. I have felt pretty trapped in my progression just because of that one emotion of wanting them to allow me to go forward when the backlash was already showing me that that is not their plan or desire at all.

Anyway, it is lovely to meet you in your vlog...and to hear some of your personal journey.

Much love to you,
Maureen

User avatar
Maxine
Community Member
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:06 pm
Location: Devon, Englan
Contact:

Re: Denial, self deception and cancer

Post by Maxine » Tue Jun 14, 2016 12:54 pm

Hi Maureen,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing your experiences. I have had some strong emotions come up in the last few days and it was hard to right. They have not been pretty emotions, but I feel I may be experiencing anger about God not meeting my addictions and I don't think I have really let myself feel that.

The irony in this is allowing anger has been a struggle for me. I wasn't allowed to express it as a child and even as an adult if I expressed it to my mother I was seriously attacked. But, saying that, it now becomes an excuse as I know this is a false belief (intellectually) and that I must feel it as I have been projecting anger for years now - particularly in all those demands I have had.

You wrote:
So, that is what I am finding now. God is taking me into these places because I too want to come to see where I am demanding others to "love" me and "protect" me from abuse. And I can definitely feel how huge that demand is by not acting on it....just writing, praying, connecting to my anger privately, not sharing the story with others either in a demanding way in hope of creating protection. etc. I can see how I have very little trust that I can live in love and freedom and safety independent of the soul condition of any other person on earth or any choice they might make or not relating to me.
The cancer was related to angry demands around sex and intimacy and my willingness to do anything to avoid men's anger and disapproval. Yet on reflection I have become aware of many more demands. A big one is "Don't let me feel my fear!" ( this one screams out) and a lot of my demands are to help me avoid my terror, fear and feelings that I was uncared for. Like you, I am taking actions to not project these demands, and watch myself if I feel it happening. This is still a work in progress.

What I notice is that when strong feelings come up ( as in the last 2-3 days) I initially still judge them which is of course another addiction and avoidance. Then this morning I read the chapter "Clarice" in the Gates of Heaven ( oh these books are incredible) and I felt how in my darkness, so to speak, I was like Clarice - I believe there is no way out of my cave, through my fear and my arrogance, lack of faith and not acknowledging how much help is being offered to me. So Cushna says to Clarice, " There is nothing to hold and keep you but your own refusal."

Of course my reading of this, this very morning is God sent, but I can see that is where I am at. I am fighting God, almost, wanting him to make me feel loved, safe etc without having to go through any pain. I really don't want to feel my pain and this is what has led to all those ugly, angry demands.

So I must start where I am at recognising how angry I am about having to feel my pain. I can feel there is also much I don't understand emotionally yet and having compassion, rather than anger with myself is also part of this challenge.

So, dear sister, I have found many of your posts, assistance group questions and your clips really helpful so thank you too. I feel I need to try to deal - interesting term I use - "try to deal" rather than feel (good to notice that!!) - the anger I am feeling.

love Maxine

User avatar
maureen
Community Member
Posts: 121
Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:37 am
Location: New Mexico, USA
Contact:

Re: Denial, self deception and cancer

Post by maureen » Tue Jun 14, 2016 7:32 pm

Yes Maxine....I too am shocked at the enormity of the rage that is actually beneath these demands. It's bizarre. I mean I am mostly a “peaceful person”...so I thought :shock: ! Just beginning to not allow demands to come out of my soul unobserved and unquestioned (even...and most often...unspoken ones when I am “alone” with my own thoughts)...I can see the rage that is actually behind these types of demands that others be somewhere other than they are emotionally or when it comes to loving me or others and where my thoughts and feelings go now as the result of not acting on them by justifying being “right” to do so. It is bizarre...the intensity of what lies beneath...murderous, hateful, destructive, manipulative, punishing feelings...the worst of the worst....etc.

It's crazy...scary...and....I think...ultimately....will be totally liberating...to move out of this horrible behavior that I never even recognized before as unloving. It felt more like it was justifiable to want these things and push on others to make me safe too. Not acknowledging the true darkness there that I can feel now as these emotions surface and leave.

I can truly see the power of the soul...as Jesus talks about. How we have no idea how powerful our souls are (whether in our acts of love or though projecting these dark disowned emotions onto the world around us)...and I definitely don't want to go into my future carrying such rage disguised as quiet...mostly “internal”....feelings of judgment and expectation and even hope that the way into a better life is through others becoming more loving.

It is sad. That I have been so lost...that I am so lost. But it good to begin to feel the truth of all these really dark emotions as they are beginning to be felt and released more now that I am not stewing in some “unconscious” state of self-reliance and without any faith in a remedy from God.

I had a thought yesterday after being under lots of spirit attack lately, that even though people/spirits hate me and attack me...that God actually wants me to find pleasure and to enjoy this world. And that I could do just that right there in that moment. Enjoy the water I had to wash my dishes with and my home and such. And that I could let those who disagree with that truth and believe I deserve to live in hell and terror and have my survival threatened and my beauty destroyed (and whose views of me have me feeling so much fear, terror, hopelessness and want me always to feel ill at ease) work it out with God rather than me.

That maybe I do not need to keep trying to play “God” and teach people the things I think they need to learn to make my world safe to enjoy. That maybe I don't need to change their souls before I can ever be safe and happy here on earth. That maybe I can be safe and happy in a world with people who don't feel like I should be allowed that gift from God.

And, instead of me trying to get them to believe something different, I can just let God do all that...ie. let God "take" responsibility for it...which will help me grow in time to see the truth that he already has :shock: And when it comes to those who only want to harm me, destroy me and make my world hopeless...well I don't have to try to do God's job...which the evidence shows I am failing utterly at and degrading my own soul condition through attempting to do all my life...and rather I could spend my time enjoying the gifts he has already given to me...and that is crazy amazing to thing about :D

It was a beautiful truth to hear.
Especially since, in a way, I feel like I have spent my whole life engaging this activity in one way or another...mostly with spirits I think who follow me around attacking me and I have always engaged them in this way. Trying to convince them that I am not as horrible and worthy of only a life in hell as they say I am . It's been a waste. And it has weakened and nearly destroyed me. And I have definitely become unloving in the face of these exchanges/experiences...and degraded in my own condition through this misguided way of trying to make the life of joy God would want for me "allowed" by getting them to see I deserve it.

So, this is good. To try a new way forward. I am just beginning but I have hope...and faith enough to move in this new way. THANK YOU JESUS :D !

Love,
Maureen

User avatar
Maxine
Community Member
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:06 pm
Location: Devon, Englan
Contact:

Re: Denial, self deception and cancer

Post by Maxine » Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:36 pm

Hi Maureen,

I just did a podcast with Peter (Nicky's cousin from their blog). He has started a divine truth podcast. I talk a bit more about this subject. Peter reminds me to allow God to be involved in my life and allow the flow. Seems silly to have to be reminded of this, but I do need this reminder and it helps remind me these dark emotions are the mud stuck to us and God wants us to see it and let Her help us wash it off, so to speak. They are part of my soul currently, but not the real me.

www.divinetruthpodcast.com

Courtney and Nicky have also done two podcasts if you are interested.

btw - your recent clips about intimacy were really helpful and a LOA very apt for me currently ( of course!) so thank you.

love to you
Maxine

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests